LiveWorld Transcripts

HBO presents

Dr. Adam Cotsen
"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

August 09, 2000

Dr. Cotsen answers your questions about sex, relationships, and dating.

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar issues for you? Dr. Adam Cotsen is live and ready to field your questions about relationships, sex, and dating.

Dr. Cotsen: Let's jump right to the first question!

Senseless: Why is Carrie attracted to her ex? I wonder if it is natural to want to go with the known, rather than the unknown?

Dr. Cotsen: I don't know if it's so natural to go with the known, rather than the unknown. I think what's more relevant to the situation with Carrie and Big is that he's not only someone she's known, but someone she's known, loved, and wanted to stay with. It was Big, after all, who broke up with her. So it's always natural to have feelings of longing for someone who broke up with you, and hope that you might be able to get them back.

Nyi: Is it normal for ex's to sleep together and rekindle relationships after several years apart?

Dr. Cotsen: It certainly does happen. It's especially common for ex's to sleep together later on in life. This is often known in the vernacular as 'reunion sex'. It's less common for a couple to get back together and not only sleep together, but reunite as a couple. However, this can and does happen, especially when the two people were very well suited for each other originally, except that one or the other of them was not ready for a committed relationship at that time. Here again, we see the importance of 'timing' as exemplified in previous episodes.

Julie: Is it normal to love someone and still think about someone else?

Dr. Cotsen: It is certainly normal to think about someone else, even though you may love your boyfriend. This may come as a shock for someone like Charlotte, from our show, who seems to have a lot of romantic notions. It may be quite normal to think fondly of an old boyfriend, or to notice a handsome man at work. However, stronger feelings such as really longing to spend lots of time with someone other than your boyfriend or husband, or wishing you were with that other man when you're with your husband, is not 'normal'. It really means that you should think more seriously about your situation and perhaps seek the help of a very good friend or a therapist.

Carrieb: How do you keep away from a man to who you are unbearably, physically attracted to, like Carrie is to Big? In my experience, it is only when the woman becomes unavailable that they (men that is) become 10 times more interested?

Dr. Cotsen: I think the first step would be to really be aware when you're uncontrollably attracted to someone like Carrie is to Big, and also, to be aware of whether this person would be bad for you to be in a relationship with. I think if you can really get clarity on the strength of your attraction, and the inappropriateness of this man as a boyfriend for you, that's most of the battle. After all, I don't think you're likely to run into someone that you've truly decided that you do not want to see. I think the way Carrie ran into Big at the furniture show tonight was an interesting surprise in terms of the story line, but these types of coincidences do not happen very often.

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