LiveWorld Transcripts

HBO presents

Dr. Adam Cotsen
"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

July 19, 2000

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Jen: I haven't been intimate with a man in over three years. And the thought of it now, scares me to death--bad breakup. How can I deal better with this loneliness?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, it's certainly hard to risk getting involved with a man again after a painful breakup. And of course, it's hard to resolve your loneliness if you are gun shy about getting involved again. One thing that I might suggest, in terms of feeling more connected with people, is perhaps to concentrate more on developing ties with friends or with family. Perhaps in this way, you may start to feel stronger and more able to risk your feelings on a new, romantic relationship. Additionally, the way you've been so powerfully affected and held back by your bad breakup suggests that you might find great comfort and help in going over what happened with a therapist, and entering regular, weekly therapy.

Rodent: Do you think there will ever be a time when women aren't considered 'loose' or 'easy', just because they have had a certain number of sexual partners?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, to some extent, there may already be various times and places in which women weren't considered loose for having a more sizable number of sexual partners. Not every culture has the judgments that our culture has about women's sexuality. I suppose your question is really asking me to look into a crystal ball and try to envision the future of our 'Judeo-Christian' ('Western') culture. Well, in my crystal ball, I see things getting better for women in this regard. I think that the long-term trend here in America, and in Europe, has been towards more tolerance and acceptance of women liking and experiencing sex. Just think how horrible it used to be for a woman to have sex before she was married, even just a few generations ago. Such a woman back then may have been 'ruined', not only a disgrace to herself, but a serious embarrassment to her whole family. Fortunately, a lot of these attitudes have slowly crumbled away, especially during the sexual revolution of the 1960's and 1970's. Unfortunately, these prejudices are not entirely gone.

Bella: I'm a young woman, and I'm not sexually active. I often have weird dreams about people around me asking me to do things that I wouldn't normally consider. And I do it! Is this normal or am I just getting rid of sexual frustration or whatnot?

Dr. Cotsen: I don't think it's normal, in the sense that 'everybody' is having dreams like this, but I do think it's very colorful, and not especially problematic. I'd imagine that there are parts of you, as a sexual woman, that have not fully emerged yet from the inner reaches of your mind. These things that you imagined in your dreams may point to sexual fantasies or turn-ons that may be yours to enjoy for the rest of your life. And that's a good thing, even if some of your fantasies seem a little strange. Fantasies can often be that way. If some of these things are upsetting or uncomfortable for you to think about, you may want to enlist the help of a therapist to help you explore some of these sexual ideas percolating out of your mind while you are asleep.

EZGuest: Like Carrie on the show who cannot get over Big, I cannot get over my ex. He doesn't want to be friends. How can I win him back?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, I think the first thing that you need to do is be clearer in your own mind as to whether you want to be friends with him or whether you want to win him back. It sounds to me like you want him back, and that being friends with him would be a way to satisfy your longing for him and give you a chance at winning him back. I wouldn't be surprised if he senses this agenda on your part. And even if he would like you as a friend, he might be unwilling to have friendly contact with you, because that would only give you some false hopes, and keep you from getting over him and being able to move on.

Jenniferhh: I am 27 and haven't been on a date in months. I am in shape, cute, etc., but no men in sight. Where does someone meet anyone of quality in this city?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, it's a real common problem. I think most of us get a little spoiled by high school and college where we are surrounded by so many nice, cute, like-minded people of our own age. Dating seems to happen almost spontaneously--perhaps even more so for an attractive woman. However, leaving college for the 'real world' forces us to develop new skills. How DO we meet those kinds of eligible people in a big city? Some of the classic ways of meeting a quality person would be to be set up by mutual friends, or by attending parties, which effectively accomplishes the same thing, but in a more natural manner. What I mean is that when you go to a friend's party, any of the men there would also be friends of the hostess. Therefore, these men are likely to move in the same circles that you do and be looking for the same kind of relationship that you are. Unfortunately, this 'commonality' factor does not really operate when you go to a nightclub or bar. It does, however, operate when you join some kind of recreational group or charity group and attend their events, or when you sign up with a quality dating service. Best of luck; I'm sure it will work out for you!

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